Oh, the Bellies You'll Meet

During this pregnancy I have discovered that having a belly puts you into a totally new society. I call it the Belly Society. Even though this society may look a lot like our own, it follows its own set of social rules. I am documenting my observations of this society. Below is just a few of the bellies I have encountered since entering this society.


Victim Belly

These bellies love to wallow in self-pity. Everyone is against them and their growing tummy- even the their unborn baby is out to get them. They have their OB’s number on speed-dial and is on first name bases with all the nurses at the OB/GYN clinic. Every cough and cramp warrants a visit to the emergency room. If their doctor puts them on bed rest they lay there like Evita on her deathbed morning over their life and their unfulfilled dreams. And don’t dare tell them that there is nothing wrong or that it’s all in their head. Oh no, this type of talk will send the Victim Belly into an Oscar worthy fainting spell. But if you are lucky, the Victim Belly will stop talking to you because, as she will say to her friends between fake contractions and dramatic grabbing of the belly, “She doesn’t understand how truly painful pregnancy can be. I’ve suffered so much. I pray she never has to experience what I’m going through. I just don’t think she could handle it.” Oh, Please!!!

Mother Hen Belly

Oh, I’m sure you’ve met one of these bellies. They know everything that you should and should not do when you are pregnant and if you don’t take heed to their warnings, your baby will come out deformed or dead. You know that Big Mac you’re about to take a bite out of? Well the bun is made with a processed flour that may increase the chance of your baby developing cancer when they’re 50. Did you go bike riding yesterday. Well you’re living dangerously. Didn’t you know that there was over 150 miscarriages reported last year due to bike falls? Oh, and don’t even think about going to the salad bar at the Old Country Buffet. Chemicals found on non-organic lettuces can cause birth defects and even death. No matter how good you are at following the normal pregnancy restrictions Mother Hen Bellies will follow you around pointing out everything you are doing to kill your unborn child. If you see one of these bellies coming, run to the nearest Basket Robin or Cold Stone. Order two scoops of that steroid-infested-ice-cream-made-from-chemically-enhanced-cow-milk-that-will-cause-your-son-to-be-born-with-an-unusually-small-penis and relish in the fact that you and your baby will be just fine.

Snob Belly

Oh, yes, there are Snob Bellies. Obviously, not all bellies are created equal and Snob Bellies want to make sure you know that fact. Snob Bellies are easy to recognize. They are usually dressed from head to toe in Gap Maternity finished off with a pair of high heels and the latest Coach purse. Their nails are flawless and so is there skin. So, what’s the problem? While there is nothing wrong with trying to look your best during your pregnancy, I do have a problem with Snob Bellies looking down their nose at other bellies who may have more body roll then bank roll to look like they just walked off the cover of Vogue. Snob Bellies carry themselves in such a way as to make other bellies feel like they don’t deserve the right to show off their beautiful bellies. I’ve seen them snicker and point as Wal-Mart bellies. And the look of disgust that they give thrift store bellies is just down right rude. Yes, Snob Bellies may have a personal Yoga instructor, a personal chef and weekly bookings at the spa, but there is one thing these bellies don’t have- freedom. Snob Bellies are so tied down by image that they can’t enjoy the real liberating joy that pregnancy should bring. Snob Bellies are very annoying, but just like the ‘It’ girls in high school you’ll soon come to realize they are not worth your time or thought.

Superwoman Belly

These bellies are dangerous to be around. They are career mined, power hungry women who treat pregnancy as just another job on their to-do list. They are always spotted with their cell phone glued to their ear and a Palm Pilot open and at the ready. Everything is scheduled and planned right down to the very minute they plan to arrive in the hospital in labor. There is no room in their life for the unexpected. Everything in their life has been planned with superb perfection. And their pregnancy should be no different. Superwoman Bellies will work up to the very moment that their contractions are five minutes apart. They will only take a week of maternity leave because they know their body will bounce back quickly and besides, the company will just go under if they are not there to oversee what needs to be done. In fact during the week they are off Superwoman Bellies will be calling the office everyday to check in and make sure everything is running like clockwork. To put it simply Superwoman Bellies are walking time bombs. Life is going to exploded in their face at any moment and they won’t know how to handle it. My suggestion is to stay far enough away from Superwoman Bellies so you won’t get hit by the pieces of their shattered schedule, but stay close enough to catch them when life throws them across the room. They will need other bellies around them when reality hits and they start to realize that life- especially an unborn life, is something that they must give over control to, instead of trying to take control of.