A Day At Gymboree

On Saturday, April 18th, Elektra was invited to the birthday party of her friend, Joel. It was Joel's 1st birthday and he was celebrating it at the local Gymboree. This was Elektra's first time at Gymboree and she wasted no time trying out everything that the place had to offer.

Elektra making a perfect dismount off the high beams.
This girl's flawless performance has just earned her a spot in the next Olympics!

Now, she is making her way onto the high board.

She shoots! She scores! Unbelievable shot with just seconds left on the clock.

Elektra's floor routine was interrupted by a jealous competitor.

That's going to be a penalty for Russia.

Okay, I'm done with the Olympic references.

Here was the highlight of the party for Elektra- Bubbles!

"Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles! My bubbles!"

Here is the whole birthday party gang. Joel, the birthday boy, is the little boy in the center being held by the girl in the pink shorts. In the back row where Elektra is sitting, three kids over from her, wearing the Mickey Mouse tee shirt is Noah, one of Elektra's boyfriends.

Elektra had a lot of fun. By the time we got home she was knocked out!

Easter Eggs, Candy and Peeps. Oh My!

Well, Easter weekend was filled with activities for Elektra. On Saturday our church hosted a community Easter Egg Hunt at the nearby park. Tons of kids were there. Ray took Elektra out to the field to pick eggs. Ray told her to pick up the eggs and when she looked around to see all 500+ eggs spread out across the field she said , "uh-un", meaning 'no'. She thought she had to pick up ALL the eggs. But soon she got the hang of it and came back with a nice stash.

Hunting for eggs

Relaxing after a hard day of egg hunting

This is what the Easter bunny left for Elektra on Easter morning

Here is Elektra all dressed in her Easter Sunday best. This is the only good shot I could get of her. She did not want to have her picture taken.

After church, Ray took some Easter lilies up to John's grave while Elektra and I went back home and changed clothes. We had to get ready for yet another Easter egg hunt that was being held on base hosted by the local police and fire department. I must say that hunt was a straight out ruthless battle of parents pushing over little kids to get the 'golden eggs' that held a ticket for a prize inside. I spent most of that hunt just keeping Elektra out of the way of egg brawls. But Elektra had fun, despite the other parents.

Needless to say, Elektra got way more candy then she needed and I'm still finding plastic eggs behind the couch and under the beds. I swear those things can be just as bad as confetti and holiday tinsel!

Our Little Angel

On February 19th our son, John was declared brain dead due to two massive strokes he endured. On February 20th his heart finally gave its last beats as God gave John his wings.

Ray and I took some prints of John's feet and hands to add to his memory box that the hospital gave us. In the box is a collection of little reminders of John that we can add to and look through anytime we feel the need.

Our son's final resting place. He is in good company with his great uncle Frank watching over him. The lilies are from the Easter service.

Although he is no longer with us, John will never stop being our son and we will never stop loving him. He is never more then a heartbeat away.

Dusting Off An Old Friend

Wow, hold on one minute.

(Grabbing some Windex and a dust cloth. Proceeds to clean off blog.)

Sorry about that. I didn't realize how much dust had collected on this thing.

Well, long time no see! How's it been? You doing okay? That's good to hear. And me? Well, it's been interesting to say the least. I won't go into detail here. I'm working on getting the dust cleared around here and doing what I need to get my creative juices going again.

Just wanted to let you know that the blog is back up and running. Hopeful no more major interruptions. Too bad I can't blame it on the screenwriters boycott or anything cool like that.

So, here we go. . .

Normal

"You look good! Everything back to normal?"

"How are things going? Are you finally getting things back to normal?"

"I bet you are happy to be home and getting things back to normal."

" Well, just take your time and things will get back to normal soon."

Normal. Webster's dictionary defines Normal as 1: perpendicular to a tangent at a point of tangency 2 a: according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle b: conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern.

Normal. This has been a word that has been haunting my thoughts ever since I awoke on August 10th. Once upon a time my life way normal. I had normal problems and normal concerns. And despite my Sickle Cell disease, I lived a fairly normal life. But when the events of August 2008 occurred I realized something that most people just don't understand- for me, normal doesn't live here anymore.

"From this point on Michelle, your life and your husband's life will never be the same again. You now have to redefine what normal is for the both of you."

Out of all the hundreds of conversations I had with doctors and nurses and family during my stay in the hospital, it was that one comment above from my social worker, Evonne, that really stood out for me.

What I have gone through physically and mentally is comparable to what a solider in war goes through. After seeing so much blood and violence, after seeing your own hands stained with the death of strangers that you killed in order to survive, after your nostrils have been filled with the scent of death, how can you return home, sit in a cubicle at work and go back to a 'normal' life. The answer is, you can't. And neither can I.

No, I didn't have to fight overseas and kill people for survival. But my body did go to war. It felt betrayed when a part of it's system stopped working. It fought to stay alive. It has fought to relearn how to walk and talk and lift a spoon to feed itself. And now my body and mind fights to figure out what all just happened to me and what the hell it all means.

Trauma changes you- sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

Now, here I stand having been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder , the same thing many Vietnam vets suffer from and now many of our solders in Iraq are being diagnosed with.

The 'normal' life I had before August 3rd is gone now. It died along with my liver. Now I must pick up the pieces of my old life, try to salvage what I can and -with time, help and healing- fashion a 'new normal' for myself and my family.

So, in response to every one's comments and questions- no, things are not back to normal and they never will be. But each day the pain gets a little less painful and life gets a little bit easier to live with. Just thought you should know.

Going Forward With The Past

Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since the last time I updated the family blog. Ray has been dropping hints to me weekly about updating the blog. Everyone has been kind enough not to put direct pressure on me, but it is easy to tell how much my blog has been missed.

I never realized how many peopel looked forward to what I write. I don't consider much of what I say on these pages to me of much importance. Just a simple update to keep the family informed of our comings and goings.

(I guess I should stop here for a minute and give a little warning: If by some strange reason you were left out of the loop of what happened to me last August, please stop right now and read the following article: http://www.mercurynews.com/peninsula/ci_11427040. Otherwise, none of the stuff I talk about from this point on will make no sense to you.)

Thank you to everyone who followed the day by day drama and left notes of encouragement on the Caring Bridge website. Thank you for the cards, the food, the gas money, the prayers, the babysitting, the hugs, the blood donations, the love, the faith and the patience. A HUGE thanks to my mom, Carol and mama Linda. You have no idea how powerful the prayers of a mother can be!

I also wanted to thank the greatest hero in my life- my husband, Ray. Any boy can buy you flowers and chocolates and say 'I love you', but it takes a real man of faith to stand by his dying wife and have the strength to believe everything will be alright, even when all the facts around him said otherwise. That, my friends, is love.

So, now I will attempt to continue where I left off. Forgive me as I rewind to the past in order to catch up to the present. Wish me luck!

The Picture Show

Finally, on July 18th we got to see our little baby and find out if we would be buying more pink baby clothes or something new and blue.

So, there we were in the ultra sound room, finally. Somehow, on our way to the hospital we missed our exit and ended up next to the cemetery where uncle Frank is buried before we realized what had happened. Ray figured that uncle Frank just wanted to give his blessings before we went in.

Anyway, the ultra sound technician and a resident student were in the room for the full baby exam.

All ten fingers and ten toes were checked, along with head, spine and stomach measurements. Then the technician asked if we wanted to find out what we were having. Oh course we said yes and after a few seconds of moving the ultrasound wand around, she explained what we were looking at.

Ray gripped my hand tightly.

Technician- "Okay, right here is the scrotum and here is the penis and...."

Ray- "YESSSSSSSSSSS!" Jumping up out of his seat with his hands in the air as if he just scored the winning touchdown at the Superbowl.

Everyone in the room jumped from the shock of Ray's response and after her nerves settled back down, the technician continued with the exam. After the ultrasound was done the technician left the room.

A moment later one of the doctors on staff came in and asked me how regular were my periods and was I sure of the date of my last menstrual cycle. (Did she honestly expect me to remember as far back as February? I couldn't even remember what I did yesterday!) Ray asked what was wrong and the doctor explained that even though I came is as being 23 weeks all the measurements from the ultrasound showed that I should actually be 25 weeks. This would change my due date to October 31st. So, since the ultrasound is a bit more accurate then my menstrual counting we decided to go with the new October due date.

Below are the cherished picks of our baby boy, John J. Mattingly.

Imagine sitting your bare butt on top of the copy machine at work. This is how you are looking at this photo. It is the bottom of his butt with his right leg bent at the lower left corner of the picture. The arrow is pointing directly at his boy parts.
(And I don't want to hear any talks about his size. The exam room was cold and you know what happens to guys in cold water.)

Here he is looking right at the camera and blowing bubbles.

A close-up head shot, still look right at the camera.

A profile shot. He is looking up at his foot that he just raised up in front of him.

Santana Row

Elektra checking out a store selling gourmet chocolates on Santana Row

My niece, Tia and my mom joined us in California for two weeks. During their time here I took Tia to every teenager's favorite place- the mall.

We did what any two sensible women would do, we shopped. Well, actually we did 10% real shopping and 90% window shopping.

Across the street from the mall is yet another mall called Santana Row. I'm sure Mrs. Winchester would be happy to know that her home, now a tourist attraction, is across the street and adjacent to two major malls.

Santana Row is an outdoor mall filled with high-end stores like Gucci and Coach. Above the stores are posh loft style apartments. Tia was amazed that people could live right above these stores. I think she started drooling at the very thought of it.

This is the type of place I totally see someone like Frank living at. Top restaurants, European stores, VIP clubs/bars, live weekly entertainment and a vibrant youthful vibe all in one place.

Okay, I admit, even I'd love to live here. But considering that their 4-bedroom cost $5,000 a month, I seriously doubt we will be moving here any time soon. Oh, but one can dream...

Checking out the apartments above the shops.

Strolling down the row

I'm not even going to ask how much that top corner loft cost.

More shops and apartments

So, How Do You Feel?

"So, how do you feel?"

I get this question a lot and it seems to have increased about 90% since I've been pregnant. The hard thing is trying to answer this question.

I feel a thousand emotions and at the same time I feel nothing at all. Yes, I feel pregnant. Yes, I feel tired. Yes, I feel hungry. I also feel like crying, screaming, throwing something breakable at a brick wall, and running away where no one can find me.

I feel like I never have the time to do any of the things I want to do. I feel like I move too slow to get the things done that I should do. I feel like I'm trapped on a roller coaster that I never asked to be on.

I feel like I don't have enough of what I want and too much of all the things I don't need.

Oh course, I feel happy to be having another baby. I feel needed and loved my Ray and Elektra. I feel nurtured by my family and I feel peaceful when I pray.

But there are times, yes, many times, when I don't feel like being polite and I don't care to be sociable. There are times when I just feel like 'going black' on everyone who I think deserves it and be unafraid to tell people how I really feel about them.

No, I don't need counseling or mental help. I'm not depressed or stressed. I'm just me. If you really take a look inside yourself you'll realize that there have been days when you felt the same way. Being pregnant just makes you notice these emotions a bit more.

So, when you ask me how I feel and I respond with the same old, "I'm fine", it is because to express to you everything I just said above would take too long and I'm so emotionally charged with these pregnancy hormones that I'd probably start crying before I even got the first sentence out. Just know that I am alive, the baby is healthy and after all these emotions settle down, I truly will be 'just fine'.

Sun & Surf

So I finally did it! (No, not that, you nasty minded people! Shame on you!)

Anyway, I finally went tubing down the river! I've heard rumors for years about this mysterious place in Arizona where there is a river with actual flowing water in which people get on tubes and float down it for fun.

At first I thought this to be one of those desert myths like the jackalope, but it's true, water does actually flow in the Arizona in the middle of summer!

Our clan consisted of Bruce, Mauri, Linda, Ray and my nieces, Keisha & Tia. Of the seven of us there, only Bruce, Linda and Ray had ever been tubing before.

During our float down the river we got stuck in the trees a lot. Bruce got beached on a large rock, and I killed a crab.

Okay, let me explain the crab killing part....

Ray, my wonderful hero, swam through the water to rescue a kid's floating crab tube that I then used to keep my butt up in the tube. Earlier, the rapids had torn a hole in the sheet that was covering my tube and helping my butt stay up.

Well, we hit another major rapid and this time the rocks popped a hole in my little crab, (although Ray swears it was my big butt that killed the crab).

Halfway through the tubing experience, Tia took off without us and we didn't see her again until it was time to get out the water. This was a shock to see considering Tia was screaming bloody murder when we first got in the water. Keisha refused to take off here top and show off her cool bikini. And both girls seemed disgusted that the college guys there kept looking at them. Go figure!

Yes, we saw plenty of boobs, both barely covered and fully exposed. We took part in the famous marshmallow fight and did our part to keep the river clean by collecting about six bags worth of floating trash.

No, none of us ever flashed our boobs for beer. Mauri and Linda wouldn't. Keisha and Tia better not. And I really didn't think my sagging boobs would get me much more then a half drank can of some warm, cheap beer.

Overall, it was a lot of fun and I can't wait to do it again.

Tia settling into her tube

Keisha having a good laugh

Bruce getting himself un-beached from a rock

Our awesome floating cooler

Trying to keep together after hitting some rapids

Going in circles

Look, its a floating Mauri!

Mama Linda and half of my hubby